Saturday, May 20, 2006
10:58 PM
okay. i must say i'm pretty pissed these few days so don't bother me. and what i'm doing is ranting. not RELIVING the blog. GR. i feel like ranting everyday. but i rant somewhere else. ok. it's like accumulative pissed-off-ness. BAH.
physics is like boring me down. miss siu just talks about measurements, units, accuracy, precision. DIEDIE. as though we can stand maths in the middle of science. oh yeah. i swear i will drop physics. i SWEAR. not to mention i don't understand a single bit about physical quantities. okay. not that i don't know anything. it's just hardly digestable in like. a few minutes. damn. and then an idiotic girl keeps asking questions non-stop. i guess miss siu will get sick of it sooner or later. BAH. it's like physics lab lessons are like pointless. and we just sit there and stare at the stupid screen and whiteboard. don't our classrooms have visualisers? *questionable point.* oh man. then it's like everyday, we walk all the way from J-Blk and struggle up to the labs EARLY in the morning or after recess. and we all go there, unable to digest anything that even seems digestable. GR. so i don't think i'm absorbing anything. really.
the thought of learning philosophy is bittersweet. i guess thats how i feel mainly. i guess i'm kind of glad that speech and drama is over... i screwed up my S&D script. and i think our performance was screwed too, considering how pissed with ashley and amanda i was that day. okay. back to philosophy. mm. philosophy might be okay for me since i always churn out unreasonable but logical theories. haha. maybe i do. ((: but then. philosophy sounds CRAZY. i mean. how on earth are you supposed to talk about stuff like discrimination and dispose the thoughts that your answer has no right or wrong. it's like everybody always has the thinking that your answer is wrong or something. not everybody has the gift of deep thinking and think shallowly. it isn't their fault that what they say turns out to be weird or something. not like everybody knows about discrimination. some people live in such sheltered worlds that they don't even understand a single bit about their outside world and the mess everywhere. lim er yang practises socratic questioning. and THAT makes things difficult. if you ask him something, he will ask you another question back. BAH. maybe i can churn out rubbish on the virtue theory. or i could rush the powerpoint slide for a presentation that has to be 10 minutes during recess. ((:
mm. i guess now that qin wang dian bing, we are like constantly concentrating on our concert pieces. and i shan't comment on them as they are uncommentable. or rather. uncommendable. and what's wrong with freaking WGY. maybe she relies on me too much. ARGH. self-reliance is maybe what she lacks. GR. if i'm not present on the day of SYF, i wonder whether she will go play it herself. heehee. xDxD maybe she won't, but she will be DEVASTATED. shunning all the NICE parts to me doesn't work. i just want to play my xiaogu and THAT'S IT okay. can't she get someone BIGGER like amelia so that it will look GOOD. or maybe even kweky. sheesh. at first she wanted me to learn my idiotic timpani part. now she jumped ship to jin shi. what's wrong with her? the changdi boat is like sinking halfway? tsktsk. one must learn to focus and concentrate on one thing. and i seriously think WGY doesn't have the ability to FOCUS.
it's like quite ironic for me after qin wang. every time on friday when i pass by RJC on my way home, i always see the place outside the RJCO room where we usually sat there and stoned before prac started or when we were waiting for RJ's dazu to end. and i was like thinking. oh man. to think we were sitting there, stoning and playing there a few weeks and days ago; watching the cars OUTSIDE the fencing. then NOW i'm watching the people there INSIDE the fencing from the road. it's kind of sad now that qin wang dian bing is over. Yi just went past like a breeze. i don't know, but preparing for RGCO concert is more irritating and stressful. not like i'm criticising our preparation methods. it's just different.
tomorrow there is CLE lesson again. the MOSTMOSTMOST slack subject ever. and i hope we catch another toad and take half an hour to set it free and decide whether to drown it in water. sheesh. i sound cruel. only the strongest can survive isn't it. well. i nearly drowned our class toad since my classmates didn't know it WAS a toad and asked me to put it in the sink behind the art room. so i guess i nearly killed the life of an innocent thing. but then. letting it go wasn't EXACTLY a good thing either. he could have died in the sun and dried up..
then why let it live since all life must come to an end sooner or later. death is an inevitable thing. it's just like a shadow of darkness, creeping towards you as every second passes. it's just wishful thinking of people when they say that they want to live for eternity. life is just a journey of enjoyment, engagement, love and money. when the breathing stops or the heart freezes; then all these just float out of your outstretched arms. so why live for? life is a temporary relief from the pains you endure and it comes to a stop at anytime, any day..
oh goodies. i sound too deep in thought. and this is a crucial advantage to me in philosophy. and i hope mr lim won't get pissed off by what i say.
isn't what you say a reflection of your character and your thoughts. it might be true for others but it isn't true for me. i guess actually no one really knows me after all. the way i present myself to others is a happy and cheerful image. but inside i don't think my mind clicks that way. i'm hiding my inner self within to conceal myself so i'm just a shadow of my own self. doesn't a shadow just present the figure of a person and not what is inside? a shadow only carves out the outside of a person. the reason why it's flat and not 3-D is because it can never capture the true identity of a person and her personality. that's why it's BLACK. not multi-coloured or something. maybe i reveal my thoughts only. i never reveal who i truly am to anybody.
this friday i have a free block since philosophy hasn't started for us yet. maybe i will while away my time tidying up the noticeboard again like i did last friday when i was really really pissed off.
so. really. if you notice i'm like pissed or something, don't ask cause it's pointless. i never tell anybody WHY and i keep it inside without revealing the truth. sometimes i reveal some bits through what i say and what i write, but inside it's actually different from what i say and write. so no one knows why except me. and this makes me out to be just an empty opaque bottle with lots of illegible lettering scribbled all over. so i hope you won't mind if i don't tell you why and what cause my lips are forever sealed and i will never spill anything out. so don't try forcing me.
mm. i have broken my months-long silence i guess. maybe i shall be passive and silent for the coming next few months.. i prefer reading rants to typing them myself.
<3
Sick Cycle CarouselLifehouseIf shame had a face, I think it would kind of look like me.If it had a home, would it be in my eyes?Would you believe me if I said I am tired of thisWell here we go, now one more time,I tried to climb your steps,I tried to chase you down,I tried to see how low I could get to down to the ground,I tried to earn my way,I tried to change this mind,You better believe that I tried to beat this.When will this end, it goes on and onOver, and over, and over again.Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop,Till I step down from this for goodI never thought I'd end up hereI never thought I'd be standing where I amI guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this,I guess I was wrongNow one more timeI tried to climb your steps,I tried to chase you down,I tried to see how low I could get to down to the ground,I tried to earn my way,I tried to change this mind,You better believe that I tried to beat this.When will this end, it goes on and onOver, and over, and over again.Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop,Till I step down from this for goodSick cycle carouselThis is a sick cycle, yeahSick cycle carouselThis is a sick cycle, yeahWhen will this end, it goes on and onOver, and over, and over again.Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop,Till I step down from this for good